Where is he?

At this time yesterday, I thought my world as I knew it was going to be changed forever. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I felt numb. Although I was frantic, crying and running around yelling "VAUGHN". The world was spinning, thoughts were racing. People asking me questions and I could hardly see them through the tears in my eyes. How could this be happening to me? The minutes went by and the horrible thought went through my mind "This is really happening!". I thought I was going to throw up. Everyone was looking at me but I didn't care I wanted to find Vaughn. What was I going to tell Bjorn? How would I ever look at him again?

I had seen him by the entrance of the store. I called to him "Vaughny come back by me please?" He always listens to me because he is afraid of not being by me. He's afraid of being left, any where. I looked up and he wasn't there. I didn't fret it, AT ALL. He's a kid after all hiding under the clothes rack is part of his DNA. A couple more minutes went by and I still didn't see him. Still no worries. I went up to the front of the store and he wasn't there. Not worried. Called his name a couple of times no response. Not worried. I searched the store looking in the changing rooms, under the racks, No Vaughn. A tiny bit worried. I'm sure he just went into the adult section of the store. Started looking there, couldn't find him. The clerk at the store asked me what he was wearing "Ahh...a white shirt and khaki pants." A little more worried. Checked that side of the store. He wasn't in the store. Worried now. The clerk locked the store down. I looked out of the store in the mall. I couldn't see him any where. My heart started to race. It had been over 10 minutes now that I had seen him last. I peaked in some of the other stores, mall security was called. At about 15 minutes I started to cry, harder and harder as each minute went by with not knowing where he was. I remembered seeing a guy in the kids section of the store. He smiled at me and the boys. I smiled back at him. He wasn't in the store anymore. Why was that man by himself in the children's section? Thoughts and questions were flying through my mind. I couldn't answer any of them but each one made me more and more scared.

The panic had more than set it. I was hysterical. I showed a picture of him to the security. I called Bjorn he jumped in the car and started to head for the mall. I retold the story to everyone that asked. At this point now it was 30 minutes. I started to think of all the things I hadn't told him, all of the things that I had wanted for him. Will I ever see him again? How could this be happening? This was my worst nightmare coming true. Just then a call came through on the security officers radio that they think they found him. I asked where "By Herbergers" he started to walk down there. I started to run....faster and faster and faster crying the whole way. Torin could hardly keep up with me. I saw him and he saw me. It was the classic running into each others arms until he got up to me, hit me and through tears cried "Why did you leave me?". I told him I didn't leave him that I would never ever leave him.

I asked if someone had taken him. "No mama. I walked out and couldn't find you again. I thought you had left the store." We concluded that he either saw someone like me walk out of the store or got out of the store, became disoriented and couldn't find the store again. He was half way across the mall outside near the parking lot trying to find the car. A lady saw him without a parent, asked him if he was lost and brought him into the mall and found security. God bless that womean as she is seriously an angel to me.

This was the most horrible event that I have ever been through. I'm seriously still really shaken up about it today. I got into work today and saw all the art that he has made for me. One is a heart that has his name at the top, mine at the bottom and a heart in the middle. The caption reads, "This is a picture of my heart. It is for my family because I love them." I instantly got tears in my eyes. I was thinking about going for a run tonight and thought what if he had been taken. I would never be able to run without crying for him. Vaughny loves running with me. Tells me he is my runner boy. It's all these little things that are making me realize how VERY different things could have been.

During those 30 minutes I prayed that God would be with him, protect him, bring him back to me. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring him back to me. And He did. These last 24 hours have not been fun. I have been thinking about what I could've or should've done. Last night when I prayed with Vaughn he prayed that next time he will choose not to go with me to the mall but to just to stay home. It made me feel terrible. I know that this happens to many parents but it was just too much for me.

I am purely writing this as a means to try and get these thoughts out of my head to not haunt me any more. I'm so frazzled that anything I do seems to be so unimportant. Why did this happen? Was it a sign from God? I can't help to think through these things. Is it because I'm so analytical that I can't stop thinking about the what if's, could've been type questions? I don't know why but I hope to put these thoughts past me and look at it as an opportunity to talk through what happend to Vaughn with him, as what to do when he looses Mama and a lesson to realize just how precious our time is with these gifts from God.